18
Jul 13

God's Hoof Knife

Not too long ago, I was floating in our pool after sunset, watching the colors over the pond slowly put themselves to bed.  I realized that my life was full of joy and pleasure, yet the thing I was most grateful for was feeling my happiness does not depend on any of the things I love.

A week ago, I learned something with the potential to significantly change my life.  I handled it with grace and acceptance for about 12 hours, before I fell into despair at the possibility of losing what was most important in my life.  By the third day, I managed to release it to the power of Divine Love and to put the practical remains in a box for later.  I began to trust that I would know what to do, when action was called for.

Within a couple days, an option came to me out of the blue, for handling the situation.  It seemed crazy and off-the-wall, yet it is possible that it could be away through the situation with wisdom and integrity.

After the initial relief at having options, I have been wracked by sadness.  I began to question God.  I accused God of setting me an exam that was unfair: Why should I have to act as the only "grown-up" in this situation? I was reminded of how I used to try to write my exams when I was a professor:  A good exam teaches, even in the process of revealing the areas in which knowledge is still lacking.

I feel like the Universe has been intensively preparing me to be able to graciously take the action suggested for the past year or more.  Yet, this 'solution' has brought awareness of just how far I have to go in my life's journey.  I asked why I seem to need to process this decision as if it is happening now.

That's when God showed my his hoof knife.

Sometimes, a horse will have a puncture or bruise to the hoof that apparently heals over, but retains damage deep inside.  The horse may seem sound for a long, long time and the hoof look healthy.  Sometimes, that concealed injury can cause serious problems before anyone figures out the cause.  During the course of routine care, the farrier will shave away the old parts of the hoof and notice a small black line.  A good farrier will gently explore the discoloration, shaving away until the line disappears or until she reaches the area of decay.  Once discovered, any rot can be removed and healing can proceed.

I left an abusive relationship ten years ago.  I have been through counseling, PTSD therapy and recently started 12-step work.  After 10 years of work on myself, I thought I was sound.  I have been strong; always fighting for what is right and learning to trust in the outcome.  Today, I saw how vulnerable I still feel in one area.  For the past week, the Divine Farrier has been the paring away my sole (pun intended) to release this last (I hope) pocket of decay.  By mentally working through this situation now, when it is primarily between me and God, I can heal an area where I still have attachment and fear.  I will be ready to soundly carry my Purpose when the time comes.

 

 

 

 

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13
Jun 13

To Speak the Truth

We must See and Listen before we can Speak the Truth

Faith

Humility

Innocence

Faith is needed so we may turn from our own egos and trust in the universal wisdom within

With Humility, we speak without fear.  No ego = no protective shadings on our words.

If we know our own Innocence, we speak without defense.  If we know another's, we listen without judgment.

In humility I have been silent; humbled by a growing awareness of how far I have yet to go on this journey of growth.

In humility, now I speak.

To teach so I may learn.

To share without ego.

Aware my perceptions are clouded, I listen for clearer vision.

As I seek for where I am wrong, I find where I am close to truth.

Laughter

Balance

Suspending judgment

 

A new moon meditation for the June Moon cycle, associated with the Clan Mother "Speaks the Truth" (The 13 Original Clan Mothers by Jamie Sams)


 

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18
Dec 12

A perspective on human-created tragedy

Many ask "How can God let something like this happen?" We are God's Children.  We have been given free will.  Unless we consciously and willingly turn our free will over to Him, our actions are our own.

We humans are on an evolutionary path.  Like all creation, we originated in a blessed state of unconsciousness.; being part of All, but not aware of our part.  Becoming sentient (aka 'eating of the tree of knowledge') was our birth into self-awareness.  Evolution is, in general, a gradual process.  As baby sentients, our consciousness was not developed enough to grasp our true state of being of, from and with the Universal Spirit.  Our brains developed egos (aka 'original sin') as a defense against feeling lost in our new awareness of being.  Our connection to God was never lost, but our egos created the illusion of separateness.  From this state, we do much 'evil' in an effort to protect what we see as our fragile existence.

It is critical for a child to learn through trial and error, through making mistakes and experiencing consequences.  So do we evolving humans make mistakes, individually and collectively, as we evolve to consciousness and re-unification.  Paradoxically, as we evolve as a species, so does our ability to do great works of either harm or reunion.

Remember that nothing eternal can be harmed.  Our core being, our spirits and our connection to All is eternal.  Weep for the losses of the families, for the rent in the fabric of our society.  Be comforted in that the souls of those whose earthly lives were lost could not be, and were not harmed.

All energy is ultimately of the same source.  Our human suffering pushes us further down the evolutionary path by causing us to pay attention.  How many have had to hit bottom before being awakened?  God is not acting through us when we commit atrocities, but He is still present.  There is no thing so evil that it cannot be turned into fuel for our individual and collective growth.  From our worst acts, goodness can emerge as the Light transforms the darkness. As we consciously participate in each transformation, our human evolution back to our spiritual home proceeds.

So weep, but do not despair.  One person has released his individual and collective pain into our awareness.  Our prayers, acts of love and refreshed gratitude for our own blessings manifest Light.  Together, of, from and with God, we transform and triumph over this darkness.  Let us make of this a gift that takes us one step closer to living Awake.  One step closer to home.

 

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25
Nov 12

Purpose Prayer

To heal
To grow
To let go of fear

To be embraced
To bring forth

               Channel

                        Weave

                                    Plant

                                                Share

 

What gifts I've been given!
What glory I know!

Take me, Lord
Use me
Shape me
Let me see and be my Purpose

Fill my hand with Joy
My heart with Love
and my vision with true Sight

I am yours

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14
Oct 12

Suffering Evolved

  • That which doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger
  • Pick up your cross and follow me
  • All life is Dukkha (suffering)
  • Be One with your trials, for they bring you gifts of learning
  • Be One with the brother who causes you strife, for he is your greatest teacher
  • To be born again is to accept the gift of life consciously and with humility
  • Enlightenment is Living as part of a greater whole
  • Grace is those moments when God works through us, in spite of ourselves

The preceding phrases have resonated with me this month, through meditations, daily inspirational readings and prayer.

This moon cycle is the third month of a major translation: From introspection and concentrating on self-healing and growth over the past 7-8 years toward living consciously as a contributor to humanity’s spiritual evolution.

My view of suffering has evolved significantly.

Previously, in therapy to work through prior spirit and life-threatening experiences, I envisioned myself as a Monterrey Pine; one of those real-life bonsai trees, shaped by the salt winds and hard-scrabble existence on the cliffs over the sea. I value these experiences as the forces that have shaped me into a person who embraces life and understands love. Suffering is the clay from which our lives are shaped

In present life, I strive to see daily trials as learning experiences. Each encounter with less-than-perfect situations, people or myself  is one more opportunity to practice being present, to stay centered. Suffering is a Gift of learning

Raised a devout Catholic, I was taught to carry my cross, to bear my burdens. What if our Cross is not our burden, but our Purpose? Should not one’s life purpose be big enough that sometimes we might stumble beneath it? But how much easier it is to carry our cross as Purpose rather than burden! Not suffering, but Purpose

One of my favorite mantras is “Nothing real can be threatened, nothing unreal exists” (A Course in Miracles). It reminds me that at our core, we are Light, we cannot be harmed. I envision darkness as encountering that bright light and being transformed. There is nothing so bad, that it cannot be transformed by the Light of Creation. Darkness is transformed by Light

Over the past few years, I have gradually gotten better at living the perspectives above. All of them have been fluttering through my head these past few weeks. I have sometimes experienced Grace; times when I responded to situations from my core of light and not from my small self.

At the end of this cycle, a new perspective made itself briefly apparent. I have trouble putting it into words, as I Knew it only briefly. It has since faded to a shadow of words and memory that do not do justice to Truth: For an instant, I was aware that there is no real suffering, only Oneness. There is no bad, no suffering, for all springs from the same Source. All energy is part of Creation. It is our own small self’s perceptions that cast the energy into shades of dark and light. When we are not afraid to transcend our small selves, we become co-creators.

Grace is God acting through us in spite of ourselves. Amazing Grace is losing ourselves in God.

 


 

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29
Sep 12

Integrity in Work Clothes

After a couple months of procrastination, I finally committed to doing a daily review; short journaling at the end of the day about areas of disharmony or discontent, what I did and felt and how I would like to have handled the situation.  I was feeling rather satisfied when, in the first week, I had several days with no events of note for which I recalled being in disharmony.

On further reflection, it seems that disharmony has a meaning beyond being in conflict with another.  This just-past Blue Moon cycle of reflection called me into "living the truth";  manifesting Purpose as a way of daily being.  From that perspective, any moment I am not in alignment with Purpose is a moment of disharmony.

Maybe that's the real reason I've found it so hard to take up the daily review practice.  My "events" are not harsh words with, or ill will towards, another.  My disharmony comes in the form of wasting time, not caring for my body and allowing imbalance to develop in my life.

Eight years ago today, I pledged to live my life in integrity, in all areas, no matter what the consequences.  When I act with integrity I can feel it through my entire body.  Spirit and body harmonize.  Integrity = Oneness.  For me, integrity is much easier in big ways than little.  When I make a major decision based on integrity, I have faith that things will work out as they need to.   For the past eight years, I've laid the mosaic tiles of my life with integrity.  The composition is not what I envisioned, but it is harmonious.

The mortar between the tiles is where I have my issues.  I am great with integrity, but not so good at the discipline that it takes to anchor those mosaics firmly in the earth of daily living.  When I DO have the discipline to work through the seemingly endless piles of "do" necessary to keep the mill wheel turning, I feel more at ease.   Clearing my desk, catching up on bookkeeping or having a clean house give me harmony.

What if discipline is really just integrity in working clothes?

I've made an effort to be more conscious in the mortar of my life.  Observing the effects of my daily derailments and self-sabotage, I have become aware how pointless they are.  It is amazing how often I still do them, however.  Awareness has not been enough.

Maybe it's time to reach for that feeling of oneness when I notice distraction.  Time to bring integrity into the small moments.  Discipline is not forcing oneself to act correctly.  It is a gentle traction that brings action into the service of Purpose.

 

 

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16
Sep 12

Becomes Her Vision

The Blue Moon cycle has just concluded.  It is a time to reflect on where we are, a pause in the normal progression of cycles.  

What lays before me is a time of care, a time of caring

I sit with my spirit guides in my safe and sacred place
Jesus on the left end
Buddha on the right
Flanked left by She Who Heals, who Serves the Truth
Flanked right by Sunset Woman, who Lives the Truth

Where is Becomes Her Vision?
Her place is between
She is here, with me
I feel the vibrations of Being as I hear her voice

"You have the tools you need to do the job you need to do.
What you need will be there when you need it.
You are not done learning and growing, but you have learned and grown enough
to move out, move beyond
and take your place among the sharing.

With each cycle, the wisdom you need will present itself.
You have learned to nurture yourself,
to look within.
There, you will find your strength, your wisdom.
Each year, you will revisit and refresh your access to all
the medicine the Grandmothers have to teach,
to remember again how it touches your whole self.
We are here, all of us,
with you and within you always."

And with that, I begin to hear soft murmurs,
humming sweet and low, the sound of soft summer rain.
I feel the souls of my extended wisdom circle and many whom I have not yet named
Surrounding me, supporting me, part of me.

And I know, just for a moment
what it is to be part of ALL
And I know that to heal is to bring that Joy of connection
to what must be healed.

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12
Jul 12

Yin my Yang

We went fishing tonight, to catch catfish for tomorrow's dinner.  The catfish only begin to bite as dusk descends, so we fished until we couldn't see our bobbers any more.  I tripped on the way home in the dark and skinned my knee.  Prescription:  A soaking bath in eucalyptus, tea tree oil, grapefruit seed extract and Patchouli    Considering that we had just caught and killed 7 catfish, it was fair payback.  Blood for blood doesn't seem like an unfair trade to the Universe.  Creation always finds a way to balance herself.

When I started my Circle of Self  journey four months ago, a search for balance was one of my primary goals.  My bath was a good time to find it.  About fifteen years ago, in a book by Oriah Mountain Dreamer, I read that every person has a Word which summarizes their mission in life.  I immediately knew my word was BE.  I have come to know the indivisible shadow of that word is Balance.

I recently returned from a vacation with my extended family.  Three generations spanning almost 70 years, made possible by the financial foresight of our deceased parents.  I confess to being a typical self-employed entrepeneur; I took my computer, self-improvement material, documents to review and "projects" to work on.  I participated in one corporate conference call and  finished one macrame bracelet.  Shamelessly, I spent the rest of my 7 days enjoying sun, surf, sand, sons and siblings (as well as grand-siblings and siblings-in-law).

When I came home, I had to fight the primal message that I must "pay" for the time off.  That somehow my good times must now be offset by bad (suffering).  Instead, my morning meditations show me a vision of discipline leading to peace.  At the start of this month's moon cycle, my focus was on working with my creative self to create balancing among financial, work and leisure aspects.  I am experiencing how love and nurturing feed productivity and growth.  The best self-discipline is fueled by love and Love knows the fruits of discipline.

My image of the traditional Yin and Yang symbol is dynamic, not static.  I envision it as constantly swirling. The light or dark contra-point in each half growing to subsume the original.  Then a point of the opposite aura immediately appears in the center of each color to repeat the cycle.

The yin-yang symbol is central in my life-imagery.  I've rendered that image in tie-dye, macrame, window art and doodling.  In my life, my creative drive leads me to leave things before they are finished.  Then the unfinished things fester until they swamp me and I have to deal with them.  Soon, all work and no play make Jill a cranky wife and mother, and I need some horse-time to get me back in balance.

I have spent much of this month facing and embracing my constraints.  Tonight I can see how they are interconnected with my talents.  The blossoming of one part of my life pulls behind it the seed of its counterpart.  Recognizing it as an ebb and flow; the swirling yin-yang,  I can utilize the balance that is inherent in the cycle of life.

I realize how my constraints and struggles are also the source of my greatest feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment.  I am coming to value the effort I put into daily accomplishing tasks such as bookkeeping or housekeeping.   Doing so gives me peace of mind for playing with my horses or playing my guitar.  Each time I experience that small dot in the center of either side of "creativity" or "productivity" growing and cycling through, I know I have grown.

After all, work without creativity is not truly productive and creativity is only wind without work to bring it to life.

Well, Yin my Yang:  This cowgirl just might be on to something.

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5
Jul 12

Eintag is Today

As a child, my vision of Heaven was of a place where all knowledge was possible, but you had to ask or wonder about it before you could know the answer.  A place of eternal learning.

Twenty years and a couple marriages ago, I first began to take self-improvement seriously.  I used to look forward to the day when I was "done".  Done addressing my shortcomings and done fixing the things that were wrong with me so I could get on with real living.

Some day, I imagined, I would be "finished". I could relax; enjoy life and stop fretting about what else I needed to fix to make things "right".  I would be the person I wanted to be, so therefor, life would also be what I wanted it to be.

If my childhood vision was the wisdom of the innocent, then what I wished for as an adult was not heaven, but death.  How did I go from knowing that happiness is growing, becoming and learning to the thought that happiness is being "done", or reaching the end of the journey?

When I brought horses back into my life several years ago, I couldn't afford a "finished" (well-trained) horse.  Consequently, I purchased a pair of very nice, but green horses.  When I acquired them, I had in my mind a vision that in a year or so we'd be "done" with the training period.  I'd have a finished horse and could go about the business of riding, carefree.  Three years later, I still have not cantered on either of my young horses.

In those three years,  I have learned much about myself, and come face-to-face with my own limitations as I've built a partnership with them.  Recently, I realized that I have had far more fun and a more enriching experience for having played, worked and learned with them than if they were "push-button" horses from the start.  Just as my children have, my horses have taught me far more than I have taught them.  Once I learned to enjoy the horse that is on any given day, rather than looking for the horse that will be, I rediscovered my childhood satisfaction of horse ownership and the innocent joy of learning and growing.   [BTW,  I now own a 26-year old finished horse and  my greatest joy, besides cantering bareback, is what he teaches me].

It's finally dawning on me that the process of challenges, self-examination and growth is not what must be endured before life can truly be lived, it is life itself.

"Eintag" is Today.

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11
Jun 12

Embracing Irritation

What would it be like if we gave up fear?  How much of what I wish to change about myself, the actions and reactions I don't like, have their origin in fear?  What is it that I'm afraid of?

My most pervasive and tenacious negative reactions are in the form of irritation and impatience with the daily spinning out of Life's inevitable happenings.  I am most irritable and controlling with those I am closest to, and love most; husband, kids, horses. Is irritability really fear coming out sideways?  What fear is threatened by the beings who vibrate within my inner circle?  My irritability is triggered primarily by control issues.  If something doesn't go my way, has unanticipated difficulty or "should" be some other way, it is obviously not controlled by me.

My authority (and therefor my control) is threatened when life doesn't happen as it "should".  And why is it so scary for my authority to be questioned?  Because, at a deep level, I don't really believe in it to begin with.  Even writing  "my authority" is difficult, because I feel an impostor for claiming it publicly.  In my most personal and important relationships, there is a fear and an ego-created illusion that I would cease to exist without it.

When I am confident, I can react to misunderstandings, mistakes, random glitches and disagreements with compassion.  I assume a positive (or at least neutral) intent on the part the other or the Universe.  When I am centered, open and connected with All, I don't feel threatened.  When I am irritatible, I am closed down and lose my center. (I wonder which comes first, the irritability, or losing my center?)

I pride myself on being able to go with the flow, especially when life really hands me a whammy.  I am better at flowing with life's big challenges because my mind can attack these philosophically.  I can see the lessons and the opportunities for growth when they are written by God in capital letters.  I need more practice at reading the fine print.

Daily life can be a scripture
Each irritation an invitation to look at what I fear
A call to BE
 
Rather than unanswered prayers for help
in staying present, in BEing
Can it be that Life
has been chanting clues to me?
Singing, shouting 
"come enter this fear and learn. And grow"
 
Today, I will see the gift in each moment of irritation
Heed the call to awareness when I feel threatened
See my frightened rabbit
Be aware of my cornered dog
Name the fear
Then seek to Be
Where there is no fear
 
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