1
Jan 15

New Year's Visioning

With Mother Mary as my role model, I open to the year to come. May I be a worthy vessel for what is given me to carry. May I hold it humbly and willingly and birth my small part in God's time, not mine. May I nurture the lives I touch to the best of my ability, staying open to divine guidance, keeping a clear and conscious connection to Grace.

I invite Jesus to walk with me, whispering of faith and acceptance. May he stand beside me in all my little dyings. And after, reach his hand to me, drawing me into each resurrection of my spirit.

I look to the Grandmothers to remind me that each choice is merely an alternate path along the Good Red Road. Each echoing ramification just a swirl or eddy in the great river of existence. None can alter the ultimate flow toward truth and wholeness.

From this place, I can be thankful in advance, for all that this year will bring. Being held by my sacred guides, I envision how even my worst-case scenarios carry me further on my journey. I see joy, and growth and abundance un-looked for.

I look back on the past year in humble awe of the growth that has occurred, at the truths to which I have come just a little closer to understanding. My blessings have multiplied, my soul has expanded.

Life is good.

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18
Jul 13

God's Hoof Knife

Not too long ago, I was floating in our pool after sunset, watching the colors over the pond slowly put themselves to bed.  I realized that my life was full of joy and pleasure, yet the thing I was most grateful for was feeling my happiness does not depend on any of the things I love.

A week ago, I learned something with the potential to significantly change my life.  I handled it with grace and acceptance for about 12 hours, before I fell into despair at the possibility of losing what was most important in my life.  By the third day, I managed to release it to the power of Divine Love and to put the practical remains in a box for later.  I began to trust that I would know what to do, when action was called for.

Within a couple days, an option came to me out of the blue, for handling the situation.  It seemed crazy and off-the-wall, yet it is possible that it could be away through the situation with wisdom and integrity.

After the initial relief at having options, I have been wracked by sadness.  I began to question God.  I accused God of setting me an exam that was unfair: Why should I have to act as the only "grown-up" in this situation? I was reminded of how I used to try to write my exams when I was a professor:  A good exam teaches, even in the process of revealing the areas in which knowledge is still lacking.

I feel like the Universe has been intensively preparing me to be able to graciously take the action suggested for the past year or more.  Yet, this 'solution' has brought awareness of just how far I have to go in my life's journey.  I asked why I seem to need to process this decision as if it is happening now.

That's when God showed my his hoof knife.

Sometimes, a horse will have a puncture or bruise to the hoof that apparently heals over, but retains damage deep inside.  The horse may seem sound for a long, long time and the hoof look healthy.  Sometimes, that concealed injury can cause serious problems before anyone figures out the cause.  During the course of routine care, the farrier will shave away the old parts of the hoof and notice a small black line.  A good farrier will gently explore the discoloration, shaving away until the line disappears or until she reaches the area of decay.  Once discovered, any rot can be removed and healing can proceed.

I left an abusive relationship ten years ago.  I have been through counseling, PTSD therapy and recently started 12-step work.  After 10 years of work on myself, I thought I was sound.  I have been strong; always fighting for what is right and learning to trust in the outcome.  Today, I saw how vulnerable I still feel in one area.  For the past week, the Divine Farrier has been the paring away my sole (pun intended) to release this last (I hope) pocket of decay.  By mentally working through this situation now, when it is primarily between me and God, I can heal an area where I still have attachment and fear.  I will be ready to soundly carry my Purpose when the time comes.

 

 

 

 

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25
Nov 12

Purpose Prayer

To heal
To grow
To let go of fear

To be embraced
To bring forth

               Channel

                        Weave

                                    Plant

                                                Share

 

What gifts I've been given!
What glory I know!

Take me, Lord
Use me
Shape me
Let me see and be my Purpose

Fill my hand with Joy
My heart with Love
and my vision with true Sight

I am yours

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6
Jun 12

Old Gold

Pardner came to live with us about 6 months ago.  He's 26 years old and blind in one eye.   He's not registered, pedigreed and, as far as I know, has never won great accolades in horse shows or competition.  He's got a few health issues and needs a little extra TLC.

Pardner is a very fortunate horse in that he was raised and trained with Parelli Natural Horsemanship principles.  Most importantly, this means his outlook on humanity is that they are partners, not predators to him.  He has lived a life expecting mostly good things from his humans.  He has never developed vices because he never had anything to escape from.

As Pardner and I have developed our own relationship, he has begun to greet me at the gate each morning, usually waiting to be let out to graze as I work with one of our younger horses, or do chores around the ranch.  More and more frequently, I'll jump on his back and go for an impromptu ride.  He's helped me to find the confidence in my body's; balance, flexibility, timing as we(I) get increasingly brave about riding bareback again, chasing cows, cantering and riding without reins.

He's also teaching me many things.  Especially about aging.

He's the oldest horse on the place and the most physically limited, but he's worth his weight in gold.

The sum of the good experiences in life have left him with a positive outlook.

The fire of impetuosity has given way to a quiet power.  No wasted energy on fidgeting or fighting against what is, but he's still got what he needs, when he needs it.

He's got a large enough perspective to be gracious to the young and inexperienced, but has maintained the sensitivity to respond to subtle cues from the right people.

He's doesn't need to be the boss of the herd, but DOES have a limit to what he will put up with from the youngsters.  He's got the boundary thing down.

His innate goodness has landed him in a good place.  He's got a home for his remaining years where he is loved and accepted as he is.

He's passing on his experience to my boys as they learn to ride and to me as I use him to hone the skills I need for my younger horses.  His ability to teach is probably greater now than ever in his life.

I've decided I want to be like Pardner when I get old.

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19
May 12

Praying to the Cultured Marble God

The Dark of the Moon coincides with the peak of  my PMS.  As the month's actions and intentions are designed to come to fruition, I frequently am at my most vulnerable, self-critical and drained.  It's as if I use up the entire month's life energy in the first 25 days and am running on empty by the cycle's end.

This month, I recognized that pattern, opening a space for me to step outside myself, observe and ponder.  While still emotionally charged, I wasn't overwhelmed by the usual feelings of inadequacy and irritability. By stepping outside I felt more as if I was merely participating in the periodic shedding of the earth's and mankind's accumulated dukkha/sadness to make way for renewal and rebirth.

I wonder how much more ease I would have in my life if I accepted and planned for this stage of emptiness each month, rather than trying to power through and plow on?  Surely I, (and those around me) would be better off than when I deny the need only to have it come upon us like a rogue wave.  What would it look like to schedule self-care and appropriate mental "quiet time" in acknowledgement of the natural rhythms?

One way I DO indulge myself is with aromatic bubble baths, to soothe mind, body and soul.  Carefully choosing the right essential oils, lighting the tea lights around my deep tub and sinking in to the gentle pulsing of the jacuzzi jets, my mind drifts, body relaxes and my soul finds a resting place.

After getting out of the bath, the sight of the flickering candles around the perimeter of the tub recalled the offering bench at the Catholic church of my childhood.  Like an altar, it called me to kneel in a prayer of gratitude; for the beauty and peace of my big cultured marble tub in the house we so recently finished after 7 years of working and saving on our ranch.  For the husband who understands the breadth of my spirit and emotions and who encourages me to accept, nurture and express myself.  For my children and the gift of the challenges they bring that help me to grow and discover myself along the way.  For ranch life and how it keeps me connected to the natural world and the circle of life.

To be honest, it's been a tough week on a lot of levels, and I'm not sad to see it end.  It is nice, however, to be able to see it as just the turning of the wheel.  And so, I roll on to the beginning  of the next cycle of my life.

Namaste.

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