5
Jul 12

Eintag is Today

As a child, my vision of Heaven was of a place where all knowledge was possible, but you had to ask or wonder about it before you could know the answer.  A place of eternal learning.

Twenty years and a couple marriages ago, I first began to take self-improvement seriously.  I used to look forward to the day when I was "done".  Done addressing my shortcomings and done fixing the things that were wrong with me so I could get on with real living.

Some day, I imagined, I would be "finished". I could relax; enjoy life and stop fretting about what else I needed to fix to make things "right".  I would be the person I wanted to be, so therefor, life would also be what I wanted it to be.

If my childhood vision was the wisdom of the innocent, then what I wished for as an adult was not heaven, but death.  How did I go from knowing that happiness is growing, becoming and learning to the thought that happiness is being "done", or reaching the end of the journey?

When I brought horses back into my life several years ago, I couldn't afford a "finished" (well-trained) horse.  Consequently, I purchased a pair of very nice, but green horses.  When I acquired them, I had in my mind a vision that in a year or so we'd be "done" with the training period.  I'd have a finished horse and could go about the business of riding, carefree.  Three years later, I still have not cantered on either of my young horses.

In those three years,  I have learned much about myself, and come face-to-face with my own limitations as I've built a partnership with them.  Recently, I realized that I have had far more fun and a more enriching experience for having played, worked and learned with them than if they were "push-button" horses from the start.  Just as my children have, my horses have taught me far more than I have taught them.  Once I learned to enjoy the horse that is on any given day, rather than looking for the horse that will be, I rediscovered my childhood satisfaction of horse ownership and the innocent joy of learning and growing.   [BTW,  I now own a 26-year old finished horse and  my greatest joy, besides cantering bareback, is what he teaches me].

It's finally dawning on me that the process of challenges, self-examination and growth is not what must be endured before life can truly be lived, it is life itself.

"Eintag" is Today.

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9
Apr 12

Spending the Now

The moon has reached its fullest glory and wanes its way to the end of this first moon-cycle. It is a time not for retreat, but implementation. What is it I need most to bring forth into my life right now?

I find myself facing my own tendency to get derailed. I am very creative at distraction and sabotage. Perhaps by not sticking to something nor seeing it through, I am avoiding some fears:

  • Imperfection. In conception all is perfect; implementation is flawed. I must learn to see the outcome as being perfect in its own way. It is right for right now.
  • Boredom. I’m a ‘new’ junkie. I eagerly plunge into new projects, new ideas, while neglecting the existing children of my mind. I shall remember that old 4-H song: “Make new friends, but keep the old. One is silver and the other gold”. If I don’t value the things I already have brought into my life, I devalue my self.
  • Unworthiness. There is a part of me that, deep down, feels guilty and undeserving of luck, success and happiness. Therefore, when I sabotage myself, I am only creating what I deserve (even if the Universe isn’t smart enough to know it yet). When I commit to care for myself and my self, I affirm through all parts of my being that I AM worthy.
  • Responsibility. Some days, I channel Peter Pan. Living in Neverland without deadlines and responsibilities and unaffected by other people’s schedules. One of the ways I don’t care for myself is in allowing enough space for Pan to visit, not allowing enough down-time for free-play (mental or physical). Then that time sneaks in sideways through dawdling, distractions and unwise choices in using my time. I will acknowledge and embrace my need to be unscheduled part of every day.

Just for today, I will be aware that each moment is worth its weight in gold. I choose to spend each now in a way that is nurturing. I will use what the Universe serves up to support my vision of how I wish to exist in Creation.

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4
Apr 12

Tend My Own Garden

Tend My Own Garden

A poem written at the beginning of my Circle of Self year


This is the year to tend my own garden
In the midst of moving, preparing, starting and becoming,
I am incubating;
A cocoon--quiet, yet busy in its own way
Gestating its own life
Assembling its own power

I am a seed
Insulated by warm, moist earth
Swelling with the healing rains
Which have finally come to quench my thirst
Embryonic leaves, perfect and fragile
Waiting to push upward to greet the spring sunshine
My first roots venturing downward
To anchor and take in the nourishment Mother Earth provides

This is the year to tend my own garden
To pay attention to my body
To nurture my mind
To feed my spirit
Not indulgence, but necessity
My vessel expands, changes shape.
The pottery needs time to cure

I will love my self so I can have discipline to continue the journey
I will understand I am best for others when I am centered and balanced
The soft, dark spots within can only be healed and cleansed
By bringing the Light of Love and Acceptance
From myself to my self

This is the year to tend my own garden
Who knows what fruits may come.

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